I’ve always had an anxious brain.
I’m not sure if something triggered it, if it’s just my generic makeup, or both.
But even as a little girl, I would worry about things that a little girl shouldn’t be worried about.
I would lay in bed at night and thoughts would fly through by brain at lightning speed. Scary images would creep in and as hard as I’d try to make them go away, they’d keep coming.
Which has made sleeping a very difficult thing. I've tried medicine, therapies, teas, oils, counting sheep, you name it.
Yet, to this day, it’s still difficult.
To be completely honest, I thought by now God would have fixed this.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned throughout the years how to manage anxiety much better, but I thought He would have taken it from me.
I ask Him to all the time.
I know anxiety doesn’t come from God. I know He didn’t plant it in my brain. I know He wants me to live a life free of it.
But I also wonder if He is teaching me some things along the way. During this long process of healing, I’m starting to see how He is revealing Himself to me.
Like at night when the thoughts come, it becomes like a battle ground in my mind.
I hear the enemy’s voice, but I hear God’s too.
It’s like God uses these moments to really show me that He may not necessarily just take away the pain, but He is there fighting with me. Fighting for me.
I hear His whispers that I can rest in Him. His reminders that no matter what happens, I still have Him.
In these moments I rely so much on Him.
Could God be using anxiety to draw me near Him? Could He be using them to equip me to fight these battles?
I think so.
He uses our brokenness to show His glory.
He uses our weaknesses to show His strength.
He hates anxiety, it doesn’t come from Him. But if He can use it to keep pointing me to Him, to remind me how much I need Him, I think this could be part of the healing process.
I think it’s possible that God is uses our hardships to bring us closer to Him AND we can still have hope that He will bring full healing.
He can do both.
So I’m learning to not so quickly jump to “God, why aren’t you taking this from me?”
And instead ask, “God, what are you revealing about yourself to me?”
This perspective changes everything.
~Kelli Bachara, The Unraveling Blog